


Friends

by zungiara



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 22:58:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15423525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zungiara/pseuds/zungiara





	Friends

_It’s more of personal experience I need to vent out and I wrote about it in the form of a cute AU. Not cute but like. Sadish… it’s quite personal and some information is altered for the purpose of keeping in character (the real person doesn’t do dance practice and have black hair). The writing is rough as I wrote it on impulse and without editing_

Unedited Rough Ver.

Easy Love:

It was very sudden. All it was a small bit of desperation mixed with a sudden impulse of infatuation. He’s in my music class and in the year below me. But I liked him. All my friends had found love and it hurt to be surrounded by it. He was off grid, never one for social media or such. So when I texted one day over winter break, it was a shock to him. It took all my energy and courage to even try and talk to him.

Chani stayed to his friend group a lot. I never really talked to him, but I was always glancing towards him. He had a good sense of humor and whatnot. And he was musically talented to the point where I would see him practice after school in the band room. It was endearing and made me feel warm.

Winter break arrived and I was a mess. Before, i spent time and studied and had things to do. I never had time to reflect and wallow in my mind. But the break hit hard; all my friends had fun and I was alone where my parents would be fighting at home and I would lock myself up and listen to music, trying hard not to fall into a hole that would cause me to end myself. TO try and explain my mental health out loud only made things worse. My light came from the music I played and listened to and from texting Chani.

I didn’t always talk to him, so when I texted him it brought a new light to my life. It was 10pm one night a week into break. I asked him if he wanted to talk more if he wasn’t busy. He was open to everything and we hit it off instantly. Suddenly I felt a wave of happiness. We talked about music styles and pop culture, classes and our interests. But it wasn’t until 2 days before break was over where I made my move. Our mutual friend, who happened to be my best friend texted me saying that he may or may not like me

I was shaking and nervous. Me, an anxious mess of a teenage girl, confessing my feelings to this cute boy a whole year below me. The conversation still burned into my memory. I remember calling him and telling him this. We already become moderately close at this point, though it had only been 2 weeks.

“I uh- don’t know how to really say this but it has been bothering me”

“(Y/N) you should know by now not to be nervous around me ya goof”

“…”

“Relax kid”

“I think i really like you. A lot” At this point I was shaking. I might have ruined our friendship. So when he replied that he liked me back, I was head over heels.

He asked me out in the cutest way. “Do you wanna hang out sometime?” From that point forward he was all I thought about.

At first, he was my light that I wanted to never burn out. When we got to school it was ridiculously awkward. I didn’t know how to talk to this cute simple boy. I stood awkwardly around him and when class was over I gave him the most stupid looking hug then ran away. But he was all I wanted.

But this story doesn’t have happy ending.

3 weeks in, I was still in the initial shock stage and was always thinking of him. I loved running my hands through his soft black hair, his hands so soft and protecting, his face so cute and lovable. His mannerisms around his friends when they joked around about dating me, blushing then holding my hand tighter. His friends jokingly beating him up (he was particularly smaller than all of them). Everything about him made my heart rush with love. He was the first to declare that he loved me.

It all ended so quickly.

The day after our 3 week anniversary. He had dance practice after school until 4, I had vocal class until 4:30. The whole day he seemed distant. I was worried, but not too much; the day before, we hung out after school in one of the abandoned hallways and just cuddled and listened to music like the music losers we were.

That hallway memory was one that was also one that is burned into my memory. How soft and protecting he was, He was small, but I was smaller. Everything felt perfect in that moment. I loved him so much. I didn’t know that 24 hours later, that same hallways would be filled with bitter memories I’d never be able to erase.

After practice and class, we walked into the hallway. Compared to the previous day and how warm and loving the air was, that day was cold, bitter and tense.

“I can’t do this anymore (y/n). I love you so much, all these feelings I have are real. But I’m not ready for obligations or commitments. I’m independent. I don’t want to hold either of us back”

“You don’t have any obligations towards me. We established a relationship where we can be independent. Our schedules are different Chani. You don’t have to do this.”

But he made up his mind. He wasn’t ready for a relationship when I was. I was broken. I ran out of the hallway, leaving him there. As i left i saw his eyes were red and his head down. I couldn’t tell who was more hurt at the time, but considering how the day after he was joking with his friends as per usual, it was only me that was attached

I was broken. He texted me that night saying how he doesn’t want to leave me. He still wants to be with me, not in a romantic way. I agreed to this, though I was still in love. He promised to never leave me alone and to do his best to help me to the best of his abilities.

PT.2

Its about 8 weeks after this event. Chani and I have developed a close friendship. I remember telling him about my mental health while we were dating. He promised to never leave me alone. Little did he know that he was the reason I was happy and he is the reason why I’m broken. I’ve gotten over him, realizing this was another highschool romance. But I missed him and the way I felt complete when i touched him and when he held me. I didn’t miss him necessarily, but the love I felt was something I longed for

Every aspect of my life has been falling apart; my mental health has collapsed to a point where anything other than music became an arduous task that drained all my energy. I had my close group of friends, but they all have boyfriends and girlfriends and I’ve been pushed off by everyone else. They all cared but it wasn’t the type of friendship I was craving. My lonliness hit an all time low.

I had 2 friends that I was close with. Chani being one of them and our mutual friend that encouraged me to approach Chani in the first place. She’s amazing and all but every now and then she would say something that hurt; joking about how “(y/n) made me lose so much sleep talking about her problems” or “(y/n) shes so obsessed with her music of course she’d ignore us”. I haven’t established why I keep her around But i’m sure its for a reason I myself haven’t found yet. The universe doesn’t completely hate me.

He’s all I have left at this point. He listens to my problems. I’ve always had an eating issue where I would completely forget to eat or drink, or if i did consume anything, It would be stupid amounts of coffee that caused me to break down easier due to the caffiene (its the only thing that kept me awake, I never slept at night anymore. My own thoughts kept me awake) Chani makes sure I’m eating and drinking and exercising.

His house was one place that kept me at bay. He practices dancing with his friends, who i established a small relationship with. All of his friends were older than him, it was cute seeing them all poke fun at him. After their practice he would show me some dance moves. I thought it was fun but then I realized he’s helping me exercise. He always texts me to remind me to to eat or to not drink so much coffee. I wouldn’t listen to him about the coffee part, but his motivation keeps me from starving myself which I guess is a plus

It’s nice to know he cares, I just wish we could’ve gone farther. He knows I show affection more physically than anything and he’s fine with me hugging or clinging on to him, but he usually doesn’t reciprocate the action, which hurts me but I don’t say anything because he’s not my boyfriend anymore. We make it a point to not refer to eachother as exes, but as friends.

As far as he knows, I don’t like him anymore. As far as anyone knows, I don’t like him. As far as I know, I’m still crazy for him. What started off as small infatuation became the most intense feeling of affection and attachment to him.

He doesn’t express these feelings that well. But when I texted him at 2 in the morning (depressed and breaking down). I told him I was worried he doesn’t care that much.

“(Y/n) you know that you’re the most important out of all my friends. You’re give me life experience and you encourage me so much. I don’t show it but I do care about you. A lot”

My anxiety wouldn’t believe him. It wouldn’t believe anyone. I don’t trust anyone about this stuff. I kept being skeptical.

He makes me so happy, even though I’m at my lowest point I’ve ever been. I just wish we could have gone farther. I wish I could hold his hand one more time. I wish he would hold me, kiss my forehead really awkwardly. I miss him. He’s right here but I miss him.

Every moment I spend with him it feels like a brief moment of light. He makes it a point to make me laugh or talk to me. We haven’t grown distant but he doesn’t talk much. He doesn’t text really well, but makes it a point to tell me I’m The only one he texts this much. It makes me bubbly.

But every now and then I realize how truly lonely I am without him. I sit with my friends during lunch and he with his. Our time together has become limited after the breakup. Chani enjoys being around his friends, who couldn’t care for me. After all they’re all immature young boys, which makes sense for their age group. It does suck but I mean there’s nowhere else to go for me. My friends are great but there’s never any interesting topic I can put in input. Keep In mind these were people I would open up to a year ago but now I’ve shut myself off because of everything.

It’s funny how Chani is the only one who cares and I can confide him and now we barely talk in real life. It’s funny how the person who makes me so happy also makes me cry at night wishing for someone to hold my hand and hold me like before. I loved the way he dances. I loved seeing him in his natural space, open, happy, really feeling the music. I loved when he teaches me and keeps me going when we’re alone, even as friends.

But for every good signal I get from him, out comes 100 bad signals from everywhere else including him.

Everything about him makes me flutter and feel alive but he only sees me as his friend. And nothing more. And that’s not what I want. While all my friends are in love, leaving me alone while they all have fun with their lovers. It kills someone to be alone. Becoming dependent on your own fantasies about love to be happy, then getting slapped in the face with reality repeatedly.


End file.
